So my old foe trade avoidance reared his ugly head again, leaving me asking why. I wanted to be more brutal in terms of honesty as some new and continuing issues are coming to light.
I noticed I had defined success in my trading truths but hadn't defined failure. This was a major omission, here are my updated truths.
issue 2: procrastination
I have written my SBP (Strategic Business Plan) and TTP (Tactical Trade Plan) but guess what? I haven't been looking at my TTP every morning or my SBP every month and I get up 15 mins late every morning?! What the hell am I doing?
Amazingly in everyday life, even my wife says, I am not a lazy person. I get up more or less on time, I do my prep, I exercise daily, I coach people (fitness), the house is tidy, my accounts are filed, my taxes are paid, my responsibilities are accounted for... So I think it's not unreasonable to assume what I thought was "inherent laziness" in my trading is procrastination / just another example of my FBT.
issue 3: self doubt
The fact is I am now not so worried about the outcome of each individual trade, which is definitely progress. However these worries have merely shifted to the completion of each of 30 trade sample size. I've completed my first sample, now I'm having internal conflict about starting the next.
What happens if it fails? I know the correct answer is "well I try again learning from what my KPIs suggest". But the answer that is always there, niggling at my subconscious is "it failed, it was my work so technically I failed, I've been doing this for ages, am I always going to fail? I have to date, it's possible I've wasted many years of my life pursuing something I might never be able to achieve, what kind of man/husband/son does that make me?"
All pretty depressing stuff. I suppose the good news is I do understand the process, the problem is I don't believe it. With any luck "defining failure" and "taking responsibility" will start to combat my self doubt.
going forward
Now that I'm older, cynical and grumpier I find that there aren't sexy solutions to problems, they're all boring, mundane and (annoyingly) usually quite obvious. With that in mind...
1. I've update my trading truths with my definition of failure.
2. I've update my TTP with correct time get up.
3. I've set my morning alarm.
4. I've updated my TTP to look at it first thing.
Well I hope it is...
issue 1: defining failureI noticed I had defined success in my trading truths but hadn't defined failure. This was a major omission, here are my updated truths.
- Trading is based on probabilities
- Probabilities produce random results but over time, predictable patterns/KPIs
- Your patterns/KPIs, be they good or bad, will always tell you how to improve
- The only way to reveal your patterns/KPIs is to build your numbers up
- Success: is simply winning more $$$ through your winning trade(s) than you lose through your losing trade(s). Failure: is simply not finding out what your patterns/KPIs are!
issue 2: procrastination
I have written my SBP (Strategic Business Plan) and TTP (Tactical Trade Plan) but guess what? I haven't been looking at my TTP every morning or my SBP every month and I get up 15 mins late every morning?! What the hell am I doing?
Amazingly in everyday life, even my wife says, I am not a lazy person. I get up more or less on time, I do my prep, I exercise daily, I coach people (fitness), the house is tidy, my accounts are filed, my taxes are paid, my responsibilities are accounted for... So I think it's not unreasonable to assume what I thought was "inherent laziness" in my trading is procrastination / just another example of my FBT.
The fact is I am now not so worried about the outcome of each individual trade, which is definitely progress. However these worries have merely shifted to the completion of each of 30 trade sample size. I've completed my first sample, now I'm having internal conflict about starting the next.
What happens if it fails? I know the correct answer is "well I try again learning from what my KPIs suggest". But the answer that is always there, niggling at my subconscious is "it failed, it was my work so technically I failed, I've been doing this for ages, am I always going to fail? I have to date, it's possible I've wasted many years of my life pursuing something I might never be able to achieve, what kind of man/husband/son does that make me?"
All pretty depressing stuff. I suppose the good news is I do understand the process, the problem is I don't believe it. With any luck "defining failure" and "taking responsibility" will start to combat my self doubt.
going forward
When I stand back and look at the big picture the horrible irony is; I'm failing because I'm scared of failing!
1. I've update my trading truths with my definition of failure.
2. I've update my TTP with correct time get up.
3. I've set my morning alarm.
4. I've updated my TTP to look at it first thing.
Additionally...
5. I want to be honest about who I am, a FBT and am adding a further truth to my TTP: "I am a FBT: I must take responsibility of unwanted behaviour to take control my actions".
6. A slightly esoteric idea here, I'd like to focus on accepting my outcome bias instead of trying to kill it with execution bias. With failure now reclassified as "not finding out my KPIs" my hope is that my fear of failure will turn into a "productive worry", if that's possible?!
6. A slightly esoteric idea here, I'd like to focus on accepting my outcome bias instead of trying to kill it with execution bias. With failure now reclassified as "not finding out my KPIs" my hope is that my fear of failure will turn into a "productive worry", if that's possible?!
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